November 24, 2009 The Jibsheet >\> FEATURES S
Tips for surviving the glorious Black Friday
Scott Bullock
STUDENT REPORTER •
The time is approaching. Warriors
from across the nation ready their weapons
and check their armor in preparation for
their yearly quest.
In homes everywhere, unassuming
little old ladies and spry young men gird
themselves for the perils of war. But it
is not swords, guns or spears that these
gladiators are armed with, but the slick and
shiny carapace of a MasterCard.
For the day is almost here, when Visa
crosses American Express in an annual
fight to the financial death. Ready yourself,
for Black Friday is upon us.
For those of you whose mother is
also your sister, let me explain.
Every year, we partake in that joyous
holiday known as Christmas. We celebrate
peace, love, goodwill toward men and
consumerism.
It is the time we are forced to buy
mediocre gifts for those loveable imbeciles
we call family. "We do this to try and
appease both their greed and our guilt for
the year. And that, Charlie Brown, is the
true meaning of Christmas.
The military-industrial complex
that controls the world from bunkers on
the moon decided that on the day after
Thanksgiving (one of the most pointless
holidays in existence), every store must
have an enormous sale, but just for that
one day.
This causes average plebs to think,
"Well, ifI have to buy stuff, I might as well
get a good deal," and they go to the stores
early that day to get their shopping done.
The problem is, there are a lot of other
plebs who have the same idea. So many
people show up, in fact, that pretty much
every store shows some sort of profit.
On charts tracking profits and losses
for a particular £ompany, profits are drawn
in black ink, so being profitable is called
being "in the black." And if everyone is in
the black? Black Friday.
If you are one of these plebs, then you
will always be looking for that boost, that
edge, you can have over the grandmothers
who challenge you for those earrings your
sister wants.
Well, today is your lucky day because
here is a complete showdown list of what
to do on Black Friday.
Tip #1: Head out to the boonies.
No matter where you go, the store is
going to be packed, filled with everyone
within a five-mile radius. The simple
solution? Find somewhere with fewer
people. Git yet banjo an' yet spittin' jug,
cus yer headin' to Hicksville, population:
Rednecks.
b why. A sale
- at T.J. Maxx
is not THAT
important,
but people
have died in
defense of their
Shopping has
killed people
because the
sales were just
Ben Harthun/rhelibsheet that good. How
do you keep
from finding yourself six feet under?
Just hit a sports store first and pick
up football pads and a hockey stick. This
should provide ample protection from the
unwashed masses.
Tip #3: Go later in the day.
Yeah, some. of the stuff you want
might be gone, but people have been
trampled to death in the early morning rush
when the stores first open their doors. That
G.I. Joe for your cousin Timmy just isn't
worth it.
Tip #4: Be devious in your gift
selection.
Don't get that hot item. If everyone
wants it, you are going to get hurt trying
to buy it.
So instead of buying an iPhone 3Gs,
just get the 3G. Fewer people want it, so
it'll be easier to get. Great Aunt Phyllis can
just suck it up.
Tip #2: Hit the sports department
first.
The plebs have been known to get
rather violent on Black Friday. God knows
Tip #5: Just stay the hell away.
Do you really need to get your gifts
on Black Friday? Are you buying such
expensive girls that you NEED the sales?
If you are, rethink your gift selections and
stay home that day.
You can go out and get the gifts
another time. Or just order them off of
Amazon. Then you don't even have to
leave your couch.
Tip #6: Do your research.
The goal is to get in and out as fast as
possible (giggity), and the best way to do
that is to know beforehand what you are
getting and where it is in the store.
Then you can plan your path through
the store and get out without too much
hassle. You. could either walk through the
store beforehand, or maybe the store's
website will have a map.
Tip #7: Get inside help.
Bribes are awesome and the people
behind the counter at some of your favorite
stores are not exactly in the top pay tier--if
you know what I mean.
Grease their hands a bit with some
green, and they might be willing to stash
what you want in the back until you come
in after the rush has died down. And if they
aren't willing to do it for money...there are
other "favors" you could do for them.
Tip #8: Hurt people.
Sometimes the best defense is a good
offense. Someone hassling you? Someone
take the last Hannah Montana movie? Is
that three-year-old invading your personal
bubble? All these problems and more are
solved with violence. Just watch out for
security cameras.
Take this advice, and you too can
become a master of Shop-Fu.
FEATURES@THE]IBSHEET.COM
*CampusEdge ® Checking is free of a monthly maintenance fee for five years. Students age 16 or older are eligible for this
account, subjectto confirmation of student status.Alter the first five years, CarnpusEdge ® Checking
converted to MyAecess ® Checking. Fees for overdraft and other account-related services still apply. Prbgrams; fees, terms and!
conditions are subject to change. **Keep the Change ® is available only on personal debit cards, linked to your Bank of America
checking.account. Keep the Change is available to both new and existing customers. Purchases with rewards orATM cards are
not eligible for matching. We will match 100% of your Keep the Change transfers for the first three months after you enroll.
Thereafter, we will match 5% (10% for California ]3ered Interest Checking Customers). The maximum total match is $250 per
year. Matching funds are paid annually after the anniversary of enrollment on accounts that remain open and
America will only match Keep the Change transfers on up to five checking accounts per depositor (including joint depositors)
or up to five checking accounts per household, whichever is less. Eligible savings accounts include Regular Savings (or Market
Rate Savings in WA and ID), which requires a minimum opening balance of $25 ($1 in WA and ID) and pays a variable annual
percentage yield that is 0.20% as of 6/1/2009. Money Market Savings accounts are also eligible. Matching funds will be
reported to the IRS on Form 1099. Fees may reduce earnings. Bank of Amedca, N.A. Member FDIC. © 2009 Bank of Amedca
Corporation. Bank of America and the Bank of America logo are registered trademarks of Bank of America Corporation.
City University of Seattle invites you
to turn your associate's degree into a
bachelor's degree. It's as easy as 1-2-3.
1. Affordable
Financial aid is available!Plus, you may qualify for a tuition
scholarship valued up to $10,800!
2. GenerousTransferPolicy
You can transfer up to 90 credits that you earned at Bellevue
College, and put them toward your bachelor's degree.
3. Class Availability
No waitlist or closed classes. Enroll today!
CityU - Right here all along.
n ivers
COi i Fiil .. of Seattle ,
www.CityU.edu/TransferScholarshipProgram
888.42.CityU • info@CityU.edu
On the
