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Bellevue College
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November 24, 2009     Bellevue College
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November 24, 2009

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November 24, 2009 The Jibsheet >\> FEATURES S Tips for surviving the glorious Black Friday Scott Bullock STUDENT REPORTER The time is approaching. Warriors from across the nation ready their weapons and check their armor in preparation for their yearly quest. In homes everywhere, unassuming little old ladies and spry young men gird themselves for the perils of war. But it is not swords, guns or spears that these gladiators are armed with, but the slick and shiny carapace of a MasterCard. For the day is almost here, when Visa crosses American Express in an annual fight to the financial death. Ready yourself, for Black Friday is upon us. For those of you whose mother is also your sister, let me explain. Every year, we partake in that joyous holiday known as Christmas. We celebrate peace, love, goodwill toward men and consumerism. It is the time we are forced to buy mediocre gifts for those loveable imbeciles we call family. "We do this to try and appease both their greed and our guilt for the year. And that, Charlie Brown, is the true meaning of Christmas. The military-industrial complex that controls the world from bunkers on the moon decided that on the day after Thanksgiving (one of the most pointless holidays in existence), every store must have an enormous sale, but just for that one day. This causes average plebs to think, "Well, ifI have to buy stuff, I might as well get a good deal," and they go to the stores early that day to get their shopping done. The problem is, there are a lot of other plebs who have the same idea. So many people show up, in fact, that pretty much every store shows some sort of profit. On charts tracking profits and losses for a particular ompany, profits are drawn in black ink, so being profitable is called being "in the black." And if everyone is in the black? Black Friday. If you are one of these plebs, then you will always be looking for that boost, that edge, you can have over the grandmothers who challenge you for those earrings your sister wants. Well, today is your lucky day because here is a complete showdown list of what to do on Black Friday. Tip #1: Head out to the boonies. No matter where you go, the store is going to be packed, filled with everyone within a five-mile radius. The simple solution? Find somewhere with fewer people. Git yet banjo an' yet spittin' jug, cus yer headin' to Hicksville, population: Rednecks. b  why. A sale - at T.J. Maxx is not THAT important, but people have died in defense of their Shopping has killed people because the sales were just Ben Harthun/rhelibsheet that good. How do you keep from finding yourself six feet under? Just hit a sports store first and pick up football pads and a hockey stick. This should provide ample protection from the unwashed masses. Tip #3: Go later in the day. Yeah, some. of the stuff you want might be gone, but people have been trampled to death in the early morning rush when the stores first open their doors. That G.I. Joe for your cousin Timmy just isn't worth it. Tip #4: Be devious in your gift selection. Don't get that hot item. If everyone wants it, you are going to get hurt trying to buy it. So instead of buying an iPhone 3Gs, just get the 3G. Fewer people want it, so it'll be easier to get. Great Aunt Phyllis can just suck it up. Tip #2: Hit the sports department first. The plebs have been known to get rather violent on Black Friday. God knows Tip #5: Just stay the hell away. Do you really need to get your gifts on Black Friday? Are you buying such expensive girls that you NEED the sales? If you are, rethink your gift selections and stay home that day. You can go out and get the gifts another time. Or just order them off of Amazon. Then you don't even have to leave your couch. Tip #6: Do your research. The goal is to get in and out as fast as possible (giggity), and the best way to do that is to know beforehand what you are getting and where it is in the store. Then you can plan your path through the store and get out without too much hassle. You. could either walk through the store beforehand, or maybe the store's website will have a map. Tip #7: Get inside help. Bribes are awesome and the people behind the counter at some of your favorite stores are not exactly in the top pay tier--if you know what I mean. Grease their hands a bit with some green, and they might be willing to stash what you want in the back until you come in after the rush has died down. And if they aren't willing to do it for money...there are other "favors" you could do for them. Tip #8: Hurt people. Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. Someone hassling you? Someone take the last Hannah Montana movie? Is that three-year-old invading your personal bubble? All these problems and more are solved with violence. Just watch out for security cameras. Take this advice, and you too can become a master of Shop-Fu. FEATURES@THE]IBSHEET.COM *CampusEdge Checking is free of a monthly maintenance fee for five years. Students age 16 or older are eligible for this account, subjectto confirmation of student status.Alter the first five years, CarnpusEdge Checking converted to MyAecess Checking. Fees for overdraft and other account-related services still apply. Prbgrams; fees, terms and! conditions are subject to change. **Keep the Change is available only on personal debit cards, linked to your Bank of America checking.account. Keep the Change is available to both new and existing customers. Purchases with rewards orATM cards are not eligible for matching. We will match 100% of your Keep the Change transfers for the first three months after you enroll. Thereafter, we will match 5% (10% for California ]3ered Interest Checking Customers). The maximum total match is $250 per year. Matching funds are paid annually after the anniversary of enrollment on accounts that remain open and America will only match Keep the Change transfers on up to five checking accounts per depositor (including joint depositors) or up to five checking accounts per household, whichever is less. Eligible savings accounts include Regular Savings (or Market Rate Savings in WA and ID), which requires a minimum opening balance of $25 ($1 in WA and ID) and pays a variable annual percentage yield that is 0.20% as of 6/1/2009. Money Market Savings accounts are also eligible. Matching funds will be reported to the IRS on Form 1099. Fees may reduce earnings. Bank of Amedca, N.A. Member FDIC. 2009 Bank of Amedca Corporation. Bank of America and the Bank of America logo are registered trademarks of Bank of America Corporation. City University of Seattle invites you to turn your associate's degree into a bachelor's degree. It's as easy as 1-2-3. 1. Affordable Financial aid is available!Plus, you may qualify for a tuition scholarship valued up to $10,800! 2. GenerousTransferPolicy You can transfer up to 90 credits that you earned at Bellevue College, and put them toward your bachelor's degree. 3. Class Availability No waitlist or closed classes. Enroll today! CityU - Right here all along. n ivers COi i Fiil .. of Seattle , 888.42.CityU On the